This is 65

Hello all!

I’m starting 2010 off right! I got a treadmill, my lady and I explored an abandoned (blowed up) paper factory, I’m working on freelance, and I’m going to buy a goddamned HD TV, like, probably next week. And on top of that I’m working on comics almost harder than ever! I’ll continue to crank em out, you continue to read them. And if you feel inclined to link to them or send them to your friends or newspapers or whatever, go ahead and do that! Seriuosly.

Anyways, I just organized a shitload of photos on my Flickr page, so you should go on over there and check em out. Here are a couple, if you click on them it’ll take you right to my photostream. Enjoy!

KISSES!
-JON:)

Caligula is what happens when a prominent writer gets a titty magazine to finance a historical epic. This movie is 27 different kinds of crazy failure.

I heard about Caligula a while ago and was intrigued. The second it popped up on instant netflix I hit the “add to queue” button faster than I could say ORGY! Which is exactly what I would end up saying about halfway through this goddamned movie. Right off the bat Caligula blindsides you with more exposed flesh than you were probably prepared for, and I even saw Prospero’s Books (Yeah! Film geek cred!). Within the first few seconds there was a boob just bouncing around. This itself wasn’t that shocking, after all, I just watched Thankskilling. But a few minutes in I’d seen every body part known to man in just about every angle filmable.

Sandwiched in to all these tits and cock (I’m going to be saying tits and cock SO MUCH for the rest of this review) are respectable actors: Malcolm McDowell, Helen Mirren, Peter O’Fucking Toole! Peter O’Toole is in this! The first time you see him he’s swimming around a giant pool with big syphalis wounds on his face fondling a bunch of naked women.

You’ve come a long way, good sir.

This is where the movie starts getting nuts, and this is where I’m going to stop my review for a moment and give you a bit of background. In 1975 Gore Vidal wrote a script for a big historical epic based on the life of Caligula, the bat-shit crazy ceasar who fucked anything that moved and appointed his horse a priest. Failing to raise money for his movie in ways that didn’t involve titty magazines, Vidal contacted Bob Guccione, founder of Penthouse, and Guccione agreed to finance the movie as long as he could add in gratuitous nudity and sex. Vidal, obviously, agreed. The following production was plagued with difficulties (going over budget, badly-constructed sets, titties not good enough) and resulted in a bunch of haphazard scenes of poorly edited incoherence. By the time the movie was finished the director was fired and Vidal took a pay cut in order to have his name removed because he HATED IT SO MUCH.

This is where things get crazier. Bob Guccione, unhappy with the finished product he was given, hired a new director and, using the costumes and sets and equipment he already had, shot a bunch of hardcore porn and edited it into the movie. Are you hearing me? The end result was a film in which shots of Peter O’Toole were seamlessly integrated with blowjobs. Wikipedia offers a handy list of the sexual acts that made it into the finished cut of the movie, including “orgies, masturbation, fellatio, cunnilingus, anal fisting, homosexuality, transvestism, incest, rape, urination, as well as scenes of decapitation of prisoners by a giant “killing machine,” infanticide, implied fratricide, and penile as well as testicular castration”, the majority of which made it into the scene at the beginning of the film with Peter O’Motherfucking Toole. There is literally a shot of Pete and Malcolm walking past a guy jacking off. Peter O’Toole gotta eat, I guess.

That pretty much brings me back to the movie. Now if you’re reading all of this and thinking “Holy shit, I gotta see that!” don’t add it to your instant queue just yet. The version on Netflix, the version I watched, is apparently the most censored version of the film (read: British), which in ways makes it way more insane. In order to cut out all the shots of anal-fisting and labia-licking and good old fashioned cock-sucking (because there’s a LOT of it in there) the censored version is hacked up into a garbled mess. The scene I mentioned before with Pete and Malcolm walking around is chopped up so bad that they end up in different parts of the set shot to shot. The camera keeps cutting away to random repeated shots; I couldn’t tell what was going on, especially when they overlapped the original audio to leave in conversation and I could actually HEAR, just not SEE, a guy masturbating. I’m not joking. At all.

What about the stuff they left in, you ask? Well that’s pretty hard to comprehend also. There is so much tits and cock in this movie you eventually forget that 98% of the actors on camera are fucking naked. I guess that’s why they threw in baffling set pieces like this:

Oh this? This is just my dick lamp.

I never thought I’d have to say “I lost count of all the penis-shaped props in that movie” but fate, that cruel bitch, has proven me wrong. Now if you’re still morbidly curious about those infamous scenes (like I clearly was) you can pretty easily find them on the magical internet. No, I’m not going to link them, but they’re there. Like the uncut imperial orgy scene, which has a lovely ending shot of jizz that fades into Caligula riding a horse into battle. Or the apparently completely cut scene where Caligula is doing his SISTER while 2 lesbians watch through a hole in the wall before they decide to eat each other out for a few minutes. The hilarious thing about all the hardcore sex is that none of the actors knew it was going to be cut into the movie. Imagine if you were Helen Mirren watching the movie for the first time after shooting it and seeing a shot of yourself being all grand and queen like only to be immediately followed by a nice big close up of some penetration. But seriously, the movie was funded by Penthouse. She was lucky a cock didn’t end up in her somewhere on screen.

If you look close enough there’s probably somebody fucking in that picture.

Caligula is a terrific failure. It would have probably been a half decent movie without the constant barrage of tits and cock, but the addition of straight up porno makes it it’s own creature. What it boils down to is this: There are 2 types of movies in the world. Porn and every other type of movie. Here’s a handy way of figuring out if the movie you just made is porn:

1. Does it show oral sex?
2. Does it show penetration?
3. Does it show every other sex act created?

If you answered yes to any of these then you just made a porno. If you answered yes to all of these, you just made Caligula II: The Revenge of the Orgy…I was also gonna try and work a Brown Bunny joke in there but I think everyone’s tired of that one.

KISSES!
-JON:)

Welcome back for more of my angry ramblings about terrible movies that have been out for a while. I’ll get right to the point on this one, if you want to know about the greatest movie ever made that you can watch practically for FREE then just skip to the bottom. In the meantime, here are some of the things I’ve watched recently, most of which involve boobs:

Hey, so remember how at the end of American Werewolf in London the werewolf gets away and runs off howling at the moon and the last shot you see is this forboding image of the Eiffel tower and there are werewolves? Oh wait, that might have been 28 Weeks Later. OH! Now I remember, American Werewolf in London is the movie that has no loose ends left untied whatsoever. So sure, why not make a fuckin’ sequel over a decade later.

American Werewolf in Paris stars that guy from That Thing You Do (not Tom Hanks) and some French chick and a bunch of 1997-era CGI werewolves.

Dear god! Look at those shitty effects!

Apparently extreme sports were all the rage in 1997, and so this movie follows a couple of assholes from America on a “Danger Tour” or some shit across Europe where they award themselves points based on how many extreme times they can listen to that Smash Mouth song that was popular in 1997. Was extreme sports really that big at the time? I have no idea, I spent the end of the 90’s through, well, today playing Resident Evil. Stop asking me about current events. Anyway, I don’t really remember what happens past what I just told you because I was BORED OUT OF MY MIND. I only looked up from my laptop when people started screaming.

This movie is not even enjoyably bad. The acting is horrible, the special effects are painful, and the plot rambles in a bunch of different directions to the point where I don’t think the writers know what werewolves are. There’s a whole subplot with dead ghosts acting like the Three Stooges in the middle that I don’t think ever got resolved. Jack’s wife from Lost bitches for like a solid half hour about not wanting to be undead and then we never find out what happens to her.

The most fun I had while watching this movie was remembering I saw her on Lost and then thinking about how much better Lost is than this shit.

The one scene that really sticks in my mind more than any, and honestly not just because I’m a guy, is right after That Thing You Do guy gets bitten. He wakes up in the French chick’s house all confused and she comes in with a nice blended up human heart shake (don’t ask) and as soon as he starts freaking out about being injured and sort of kidnapped, she straddles him, pulls off her shirt, and makes him feel her up.

Boobs

Now I’m not an idiot. I know this scene has nothing to do with the plot, it’s just an excuse to show some boobies, but I’ve seen dumber excuses to show boobies that at least made more sense! “Oh this guy is freaking out, I should calm him down. Better bring out my tits!” When would this happen? Took me right out of the movie. Completely shattered my suspension of disbelief. THIS SCENE DID! Not the shitty special effects! Alright, I’m done talking about this. On to:

HAHA! Wow, you wanna talk about a movie that doesn’t hold up? There it is. I remember loving the shit out of this and the sequel when I was younger, I thought maybe that sparked what would later become my unhealthy obsession with robots. Because man I love me some robots. Some Terminator robots and some Wall-E robots and Battlestar Galactica robots and Alien robots, hell, even Data from Star Trek I love! So when I saw this on my instant queue you can imagine I was excited. Johnny 5! ALIVE!

…Johnny 5 is the gayest robot alive. Way gayer than C-3PO and that’s saying something.
If you ever want your love of robots to be destroyed, just skip to the scene where Johnny 5 ballroom dances with Ally Sheedy while singing the Bee Gees. Are you kidding me? Honestly I paid less attention to this than I did to American Douchebag in Paris and even LESS attention to:

Waitwaitwait, you know what? Here’s a better, more accurate poster for the movie:

Everything you need to know about Short Circuit 2.

Short Circuit 2 is so bad even Steve Guttenberg wouldn’t be in it! It has something to do with toys, I don’t remember. Although, it IS worth watching if you want to see Johnny 5 get beaten an inch from death. That totally happens in this. Unlike the rest of the movies on this list, Short Circuits have no boobs. Not like:

This was actually pretty good. Well, compared to the rest of the movies I watched this was amazing. Interesting thing about this movie, half of the plot seems to just be about our shitty economy. So it’s topical! Though watching a movie about a high class escort walk around New York listening to her clients talk about their failing businesses gets a bit boring, what I found pretty redeeming about this movie was just how well it’s shot. Really, it’s gorgeous! But I guess that’s not really what this movie is well known for. Nah, the only reason you’ve probably heard about The Girlfriend Experience is because Steven Sodergergh cast a real life porn star in the main role. And not just any porn star. He cast everyone’s favorite depraved and twisted “Oh god, why is she doing that with her face?!” porn star, Sasha Grey:

Oops, sorry, hang on. It’s hard to type her name into Google images without a bunch of cocks flying at you. Here we go:

She’s not the best actress in the world, most of the movie she’s pretty cold and distant and seems kind of dead inside. Although, maybe that’s exactly the right way to play a high class escort. A high class one. High class. Fancy…and sophisticated?

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh that’s more like it!

And while we’re talking about classiness, I think I’ll get to the final movie for the day. A veritable feast for the eyes. Something no DVD collection should be without:

I watched this entire movie.

Thankskilling is in some ways the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and in other ways possibly the best, and somehow it manages to be both of these things for the same reasons. I’ll
start at the beginning: The first thing you see in Thankskilling is a nipple. No joke. A close up of a nipple. The nipple in question belongs to Wanda Lust, apparently a porn star who’s actually billed in the main credits despite getting killed before the main credits appear. As Wanda runs through the forest with her boobs hanging out (because that’s how pilgrim women dressed, right?) I realized she’s being chased by someone…or someTHING! Wanda trips and turns only to find herself face to face with a demonic turkey who utters Thankskilling’s first spoken dialogue:

“Nice tits, bitch!”

And then he kills her with an axe. Now I know what you’re wondering and I asked myself the same question at this point, 1 minute into the film, “Jonathan, how can this possibly get better?!”
IT DOES! There are some amazing moments in this movie, not to mention a creative cast of characters. You’ve got a jock, a fat redneck, a nerd who wants to get “wasted and laid,” a slut, and the wholesome girl-next-door, and of course an evil talking turkey who has the dexterity to slaughter people with shotguns and an electric carver.

Watch the guns…they’ll getcha.

I honestly can’t pick my favorite scene in this piece of shit. There’s the part where the turkey hitchikes and gets picked up by a guy who’s first reaction ISN’T “holy shit a talking turkey,” which really it should have been since the turkey blows his head off with that shotgun I talked about earlier. There’s the part where the turkey kills the girl-next-door’s father and then wears his face like a mask so nobody realizes he’s a turkey. There’s the part where the horny nerd cries for about 20 minutes over his dead fat redneck friend and has a flashback to all the good times they spent together before getting killed by a turkey. Oh yeah, then there’s the part where the slut doesn’t realize that the guy she’s fucking was killed mid-coitus by a turkey who then finished her off by screaming “YOU GOT STUFFED!” before snapping her neck.

Oooooh, THAT’S why it felt different this time! Gobble gobble!

To reiterate, this is a movie where a turkey fucks a girl who doesn’t realize she’s getting fucked by a turkey. I’m sure there have been more retarded things committed to film but I don’t care at this point. This movie is horrifically terrible in every concievable way:

WRITING:
The plot is about a turkey who comes to life every 503 years, inhabited by the spirit of an angry Indian, to kill white people for liking Thanksgiving despite the fact that the first Thanksgiving happened only 388 years ago. I’m pretty sure a drunk 3rd grader wrote this movie.

DIRECTING:
Pretty sure the director is a foreigner who only knows how to say “ACTION, SAY WORDS! ACT BETTER” in English.

ACTING:
The girl-next-door says to the slut “Your legs are harder to close than the JonBenĂ©t Ramsey case!”…twice. The second time she says this “joke” her friends actually laugh harder than they did the first time. Did they forget she already said that? Was this a flub on the script supervisor’s part? Hahahahahahaha, oh man, script supervisor. Yeah, like this movie had one of those. This complaint can also be contributed to the writing but seriously, the acting is awful.

EDITING:
This is my biggist gripe with the movie. The editor must have been an epileptic locked in a dark editing suite with a strobe light behind his monitor. During a typical spoken line of dialogue the film cuts frantically to anywhere between 4 and 37 different shots.

SOUND:
Thank you General Bastard, whoever you are, for crafting a shitty gangsta rap gobble theme song for this movie to reuse every 5 minutes.

SFX:
There is no excuse for CGI blood in movies that actually have a budget. It is literally the cheapest special effect in existence. Every time I see some red splatter added in After Effects I have a mini stroke.

Thankskilling is just barely above the unwatchable line. If you have the time and the patience and preferably the liquor it’s at least a better put together film than Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned, but then again so everything else I’ve ever seen. Oh yeah, boobs:

Guess which one’s the slut. Thanksgiving break, WHOOO!

KISSES!
-JON:)

Brrrr! It’s kind of chilly outside, isn’t it?

Well I thought I’d update a little on what’s going on with the site and such. I know the whole “updating regularly” thing has been a little lax recently but I have a plan to remedy it. I’ve got a whole slew of comics on the horizon and I plan to try and update once a day for a bit until I’ve sort of caught up with what I, you know, should have been posting this whole time.

Life in Baltimore is still crazy but now it’s fun-crazy and not pull-my-eyeballs-out-crazy. I spent the final two months of my lease frantically searching for a new roommate and settling my living situation. There’s nothing like the overbearing possibility that you might be homeless in less than a month to cramp one’s creative output. Luckily my friend Annamarie is going to by my new house mate! She has a cat and a ferret and I’m hoping that’ll lead to new material for me to draw silly things about.

Dealing with my lease pretty much put a complete stop to all of the plans I was developing for my site and so now I’m going to try and focus on them again; things like screen printing t shirts, making books, painting paintings and such, all things that I plan on putting up for sale soon on this here website. Cause you know, the only thing better than drawing my life for everyone on the internet to see is making some money off of it.

In the meantime, sit back, keep telling your friends about This is 65, and enjoy the holidays. I’m going to be drunk on eggnog soon enough.

KISSES!
-JON:)

I’ve seen the Hill Have Eyes remake.  I didn’t like it.  But for some reason I decided to watch it again, cause hey, maybe I was too hasty the first time around in not liking it.  After all, several of my friends who have proven themselves to have good taste in movies tell me they love it.  Hell, I’ll give it another shot.

There are two things I immediately discovered as soon as this movie started:

First thing: Hey, Claire from Lost is in this!
Second thing: Nope, I still hate it.

I don’t have to repeat myself about how shitty most modern horror movies are and how EXCEPTIONALLY shitty the remakes are (Jessica Beil, shame on you!). That being said, the main reason why I don’t like this movie is the total lack of subtlety. Instead of letting the story play out and allowing the audience to discover plot points along the way, we’re spoonfed the gist of it literally in the opening credits. Nuclear bombs! Government bad! DEFORMED BABIES, JESUS NO!!! Get it, guys? They’re deformed from the radiation! Yeah, because I bet imbreeding had absolutely nothing to do with it either.

Later, when the dad goes looking for help after the family caravan’s tires mysteriously fucking explode, he stumbles upon a wall covered in newspaper clippings that cover not only the aforementioned radiation and bomb tests but ALSO the countless missing persons and murders the hill people have been committing since the 50’s. I’m having a hard time figuring out where I want to start going insane about this.

So let me get this straight. You’ve been getting away with murder for 50 fucking years and you’re making a scrapbook about it on a gas station wall? The antagonists in this movie are crazed raping deformed HILL PEOPLE. Who probably drink moonshine. I have a hard time believing there’s even one person in their entire community who’s sentimental enough to keep track of all the tourists they murped (that’s when you rape and murder someone, which they’re apparently really fond of doing). But really, my favorite part of the movie comes near the end when, in case you haven’t been able to piece it together, Rubber Johnny ironically sings the star spangled banner before fully explaining that the government set off atomic bombs and that’s why they now murp innocent families who don’t even work for the government. Know what I was doing when we dropped the bomb on Hiroshima, guys? I was secretly planning it from inside my dad who was also a baby at the time.

I caused this!

The other thing I hate about this movie is pretty much every character. The family in this movie is so unlikable I was excited for them to finally die. And the most unlikable character (you know, the wimpy democrat) is the one they choose to become the hero in the end. Really? I spend an hour of this movie watching this guy be the biggest and douchiest pussy on the face of the earth and then I’m supposed to believe he has the balls to go slaughter a bunch of ax-wielding, shotgun-toting psychopaths (with hair lips)? I was not drunk enough to watch this.

Alright, you got me. I take back everything I just said about the first one. In fact, I will gladly watch the first one on a loop for 3 straight days instead of watching this one again. This is one of the most incompetent movies I may have ever seen. I’m just going to list the things that are horribly wrong with this movie in no particular order:

Professionally trained army guys can’t defend themselves against imbred mutant retards?

Why would the army send, like, 2 soldiers to guard a bunch of technicians in a spot where they KNOW countless people have been ambushed and slaughtered?

I didn’t know that even in the national guard reserve hot girls are required to wear makeup at all times and let their hair down at the first sign of trouble.

The green screen, my GOD, the green screen! How hard is it to shoot on location in the middle of nowhere in AMERICA.

That one mutant’s job is apparently to rape girls and then kill them (another murper). Also, he only knows how to say “mother” and “die.” So, clearly, he can just destroy an entire platoon of soldiers.

You know, for being imbred and irradiated he’s in pretty good shape. Am I right?

On top of all of those things, which probably don’t even include the shit that my brain has just blocked out, every single character in this movie is a goddamned walking cliche. Let’s see, there’s the tough as nails black sergeant, the ethnic new mother who keeps looking at a video of her son on her cell phone, the hot girl, the hot boy (they’re doing each other, shock!), the skinny wimpy guy, the Latino guy with a fiery temper, the selfish jackass who only wants to save himself, the tough as nails black rookie who was probably in jail at some point, and the fat guy with the lisp. There is a FAT GUY with a LISP. Was this supposed to be a comedy and they repitched it as a horror movie? Spoiler alert, these 3 survive:

Look at how pretty they are! This will test great in the 15-20 male demographic.

KISSES!
-JON:)

Out of all the posters I found on Google this was by far the best and most appropriate:

Everybody knows that David lynch is crazier than a bag of doorknobs, so I shouldn’t be surprised when his movies do the things that they do. Blue velvet is about Kyle McLaughlin’s unhealthy obsession with a severed ear. You know what’s funny? I just grossly oversimplified the plot for comic effect but I bet if David lynch read that he’d say “Finally! Somebody gets it!”

The movie takes place in the 50’s (probably) and starts out fairly normal. Now, you might be thinking “severed ear” and “normal” don’t go too well together but it’s a David Lynch movie. If Blue Velvet started out with a shot of a mime slapping himself in the face with a piece of salami while David Bowie sat in the background screaming, I would STILL think to myself, “when is this going to get weird?”

Kyle McLaughlin and that paleontologist chick from Jurassic Park are supposed to be college/high school aged (probably) and like each other, and they flirt, and they decide to investigate this whole severed ear thing together because apparently that sounds like a better idea of a 1950’s style date than going to the drive in and having sex. This goes on for a while and I finally got to the point where I thought, hey, you know what? Maybe this movie isn’t totally bat-shit insane. Maybe it’s just a movie about investigating a severed ear. But I thought Dennis Hopper was in this. Oh! There he is! And he’s dry-humping Isabella Rossellini while screaming “BABY WANTS TO FUCK” with a piece of, you guessed it!, blue velvet shoved into his mouth.

Ta-da! NOW it’s a David Lynch movie.

Did I mention that while that was going on Kyle McLauglin was naked and silently watching from the closet? Aside from the severed ear plot point, I can’t begin to tell you what the fuck this movie is about. It takes a serious sharp turn into crazy town and doesn’t really ever leave. From the moment Dennis Hopper enters the movie it’s mostly about him and how fucking happy you should be that he’s not your uncle. Honestly I can’t pick my favorite scene with him because they’re all equally insane and incomprehensible, but I do have a particular fondness for the part where, after screaming about how much he loves PBR, Dennis screams “I’LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!” and then litereally dissapears from the frame.

YES! I can’t believe I found that on Youtube!

I really liked Blue Velvet, because I’m a film student and we’re supposed to like deep shit that nobody can understand. But seriously, David Lynch movies are fun to watch if you can put up with not understanding ANYTHING. The only thing I actually didn’t like was that it had a weird happy ending that didn’t fit in with the hour and a half of terrifying craziness you just watched, but I guess everything in the 50’s ended happily (probably).

KISSES!
-JON:)

Every once in a while I think about what I’m doing with 2 degrees in film after 5 years of college (that’s right, 2…an Associate’s degree counts), and the answer is usually nothing. So I decided that since I have this handy blog thing lying around that maybe I’d do something with it involving my vast and superior knowlege of movies and crap. MOVIE REVIEWS! Am I right?!

But Jonathan, you might be saying, I hate movie critics. They always use big words and too many synonyms and I almost never agree with them. Why, when some douchebag in Entertainment Weekly reviewed Panic Room all they did was talk about how the opening credits were innapropriate so soon after 9/11. So yeah, movie reviews are dumb.

That’s why I want to do something a little different and a lot more retarded. Using my newly reopened Netflix account and my throbbing urge to angrily yell about things I think are dumb, I’m gonna review random movies that aren’t at all new or important but that I’ve just gotten around to seeing. So here we go, let’s start out with

Ok, I think this came out like last year (or this year, I don’t have a concept of time ever since I figured out I can drink BEFORE NOON!) and do you remember the trailer? It actually made the movie look fairly good, or at least better than the remake and subsequent sequels of a bajillion, originally good horror movies. Texas Chainsaw Beil, I’m looking at you.

I love that this trailer has the cover of “Sweet Child ‘O Mine” by that girl from the concretes who actually made a Guns N Roses song make me want to weep. It makes the movie look that much more disturbing than it probably is. And hey, the movie is kind of disturbing. Let’s talk about that rape scene, huh? That was some pretty messed up shit. However, and not to sound like a goddamned film student about this, what was the motivation behind the rape? Not saying that there’s supposed to be motivation behind beating and raping some random girl. I mean, if you’re the type of person who can do that there’s probably not a whole lot driving your actions aside from some scary crazies, but the scene does kind of just come out of nowhere. And it goes on so long that I was wishing the scene would end not out of discomfort but more out of a desire to see, you know, the rest of the movie. So, there’s that.

But let’s get back to this trailer. If you think there’s gonna be some other cool stuff in the movie that you’re not seeing in the trailer (besides boobs) you’re wrong. Did you watch that trailer? Guess what, you just watched the whole fucking movie! (except for some boobs) In fact, the last shot in the trailer with that guy’s head in the microwave was literally the last fucking thing to happen in the movie. The guy’s head explodes, cut to credits. Thanks a lot for taking literally every bit of suspense out of watching that thing. Also there was a little bit of boobs, which funny enough is the only thing this has in common with older, better horror movies. Speaking of better movies…

WHOOPS! Did I say better movies? I meant morbid curiosity.

I actually have seen this before but I apparently blocked the whole thing out of my head and decided to rewatch it. Thanks, Netflix instant queue. Remember when the whole world, or I guess at least America, was fucking OBSESSED with the Matrix? And how awesome it was!? And how deep and meaningful it was!? That’s right, the Matrix made every popped collar asshole with half a brain feel like they understand philosophy, which even THAT is totally retarded. Have you ever talked to a philosophy major? Christ, they’re worse than film kids (ZING!)

Anyway, the Matrix Reloaded is about computers and green chinese symbols and ghosts and werewolves and CG Keanu Reeves and it has Michael from Lost in it. Wait wait, ghosts and werewolves!? That sounds awesome! Nope, the werewolf gets shot in the face before it can say anything and ghosts look like albino DJs and get blown up by Lawrence Fishburn and a samuri sword. Did you know you can blow up ghosts? You can in the Matrix.

That’s gay.

I didn’t even finish watching this piece of shit after the freeway scene which is the only decent part of the movie. I remember there being something about an architect and lots of fancy words at the end or some shit. This proves the same thing as Terminator Salvation and the majority of the Star Wars prequels: An entire movie dedicated to setting up the next movie is useless and boring and infuritating. Nothing that you actually want to happen happens. By the time the third Matrix movie gets around to showing Catwoman jumping backwards out of a window in slow motion for 15 minutes are we supposed to remember it happening in the BEGINNING of this movie? Did I just ask a question? I lost track of what was going on. HA! Get it? That was a metaphor for the Matrix.

Fucking awesome.

You know, everyone laughed at me when I said “Guess what I got in the mail today!” claiming Road House to be at all, in any way, a bad movie. I got news for you, suckers. This movie is non-stop bad ass from beginning to end. Well, except for the philosophy nonsense (see above).

Now, I was totally into this movie right away but I was a bit confused for a while. At first glance, Road House doesn’t really have a plot. I mean, if it had been just a movie about Patrick Swayze beating the living shit out of goons for 2 straight hours I’d still give it 5 stars, but I’d be left a bit unsatisfied. Not to fear. Road House totally has a plot, and it’s this:

There’s this guy and he’s rich and a dick and Patrick Swayze fucks his shit UP.

Seriously, the bad guy is just a rich asshole. He’s not even like a senator or something, he’s just RICH. RICHER THAN YOU’LL EVER BE! Rich enough to literally get away with driving monster trucks through buildings and blow up several houses. And to answer your question, I don’t know where the fuck any of the cops are.

Arguably the best part of Road House is when Patrick Swayze rips a guy’s throat out WITH HIS BARE HANDS. It’s the best part because the entire movie up to that point has been build-up for seeing this happen. First you hear that he killed a guy once. Then you hear that he ripped the guy’s throat out! Then you hear how much ripping that guy’s throat out emotionally scarred him! It’s heartbreaking! There’s a small period of time when you think that Patrick Swayze will never rip another guy’s throat out again. And then he gets angry and does it. To the bad guy’s son.

2:37…You’re welcome.

After Patrick falls off the no-throat-ripping-out wagon he pretty much kills everyone who’s bad that’s left in the movie except for the fat guy, cause everyone loves a fat guy.

There’s more I could say about all three of these movies but I think I’ll try and keep it short and sweet. Anyway, I’m looking for a little feedback, mostly, did you like it? I can keep writing these things. There’s a lot of shit movies on my Netflix queue.

KISSES!
-JON:)

One of these days I’ll be back to updating 3 times a week. In the meantime, what do you think of this illustration I did for a CD cover?

KISSES!
-JON:)

Someone asked me yesterday if it was 1983 because I said “awesome”…is awesome outdated?

Anyway, these two videos are awesome. They’re by no means new, at all, in fact they’re a couple years old. I just remembered how awesome they are.

So sadly, the second video I wanted to put up here has embedding disabled on Youtube, probably because the Scissor Sisters don’t want to be more popular. So here’s the thing: click on this link and watch the video: Eyeball Rape

The Small Press Expo is this weekend in Bethesda. Unfortunately I was about a hundred days late in mailing in my registration form so I won’t be there officially, however I will be there on Sunday, probably when the damn door open because that shit got crowded last year. I will have books for sale/trade and am probably going to walk around long enough to see everything and then get the fuck out and try and scotch tape together my life. If you want to find me I have black glasses and will probably be making the shooting-myself-in-the-head-with-brains-flying-out pantomime repeatedly.

Speaking of, is anyone looking for an apartment in Baltimore for 6 months? It’s in a really nice neighborhood and we can be friends.

In other, more uplifting news, it’s fall! And to celebrate fall I will be consuming only pumpkin flavored foods until around Thanksgiving, starting with pancakes and beer.

Not pictured: Beer.

KISSES!
-JON:)