This is 65

So, you may have noticed I haven’t been updating as frequently lately, and there’s a few reasons for that. Reason number one is that I’m spread pretty thin. This is 65 is essentially my third job and the one I actually don’t get paid any money to do, so I do it in between two other jobs, trying to have a social life, and sleep. To give you an example of when I get around to devoting time to this endeavor, I’m currently updating this on My phone from my backyard with a glass of scotch having just gotten home from job #1. Sheesh!

Reason #2 is that I’m very slowly working on some exciting new creative things. I have a few comic related surprises planned in the near future that involves new material, better lookin website and best of all merchandise! Yes, I am definitely putting a book together.

Reason numbah 3, and by far the most important reason that I’ve been taking longer to update, is I want my work to look as good as it can. This comic started out as a simple hobby but for me it’s turned into a much more creatively rewarding dealie. So with all that said, I should have some more new comics up next week, and more new fun stuff coming soon.

KISSES!
-JON:)

I’ll write an actual new post soon, but until then here’s the best video I’ve seen since Benny Benassi’s Satisfaction:

KISSES
-JON:)

…Welcome! I just dumped some money into advertising so hopefully some of you reading this are new to the site.  A couple of things:

-There are over 300 comics in the archives!

-You can follow This is 65 of the Facebook and become a fan and post comments!

-You can totally subscribe to the RSS Feed! to recieve updates!

Other than that it’s pretty much comics. Also some snarky things I have to say down here in the blog. Enjoy!

KISSES!
-JON:)

WHOO!

Jesus Christ I haven’t updated this in FOREVER! Instead of skipping a bunch of movies I watched the past few months I’m gonna try and cover most of them, just as smaller bite-sized angry reviews. Well, not all angry. There are actually some pretty good ones in here. Like Weekend at Bernie’s. Shit, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to…

This actually wasn’t that bad, in fact, at times I laughed out loud. I’m kind of sick of Will Ferrell these days after he saturated the naked-middle-aged-man comedy, but in this he’s not playing that exact same character he played in Old School and Step Brothers and Talledega Nights and Semi Pro and Blades of Glory and…wait, did I make my point? Ah I guess so. He’s kind of a dick in this, which I find really funny. Danny McBride is still pretty much playing Danny McBride but I’m ok with that, I still think he’s funny. This movie is way raunchier than I expected. Like, there’s a vibrator joke and a lot of boob grabbing and a scene where everyon’es pretty much stoned out of their minds and you don’t see gay sex happen but it’s implied.

I also enjoyed the Sleestaks.

It’s worth watching at least once. It’s super silly and doesn’t really take itself seriously. Not like:

Son of a fucking bitch. Want to make yourself forget several years of higher learning in just 2 hours? Watch this piece of shit. I know I already did a comic about what a shitty writer Diablo Cody is but I’ll go ahead and say it again: Diablo Cody can’t write a movie to save the pope. The big draw for this movie, aside from the possibility of seeing Megan Fox’s tits (you don’t), is supposed to be that it’s from an Academy Award winning writer. This once again proves that the Academy is legally retarded. I say once again because, hey, remember Marissa Tomei? Come to think of it, this probably would have been a thousand times better if Marissa Tomei had played Jennifer.

But come on, it doesn’t matter if she’s a good actress, right?

Maybe Megan Fox could have gotten away with acting slightly better than a cardboard box in this if she’d had some better dialoge to work with. Thanks to IMDB I didn’t even have to try that hard to remember some classic lines such as:

“You’re lime green jello and you can’t even admit it to yourself”
“I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It’s about a girl who’s, like, half sushi. She must’ve had sex with a blowhole or something”
“You give me such a wetty”
[after being stabbed by Needy] “Oww. My Tit”
[Having been stabbed in the stomach and bleeding profusely] “Got a tampon?”

Golly, Diablo, thanks so much for all the insight into believable quirky teenage girl dialoge! If actual teenage girls talk like this I’m going to shoot myself in the face.

I love this movie! I hadn’t seen it in a while and thought that it probably wouldn’t hold up that well but you know what? It’s damn creepy! There are some fucked up things that happen in this movie, like the whole dream sequence at school where Tina’s dead body is dragged through the hallway? Bbbrrrrrr!!! Messed up. Totally awesome. Plus, Johnny Depp gets eaten by a bed.

See?

I’m interested to see the remake of this. I wonder if they’ll do a better job than the Friday the 13th rewhatever. Here’s a fun game. Think of your favorite movie from your childhood. The movie that helped shape you into the person you are today, the movie that you watched so much the VHS’s tracking got all fucked up. Got it? Guess what, they’re already either remaking it, rebooting it, reimagining it (if Tim Burton is involved) or worse, making a shitty unnecessary sequel. Nothing is sacred anymore. Not even Ghostbusters.

Speaking of Tim Burton, he didn’t make this fucking movie. You got that? He helped produce it so it would get a theatrical release. It’s the same thing Quentin Tarantino did with Hostel or Tom Hanks did with My Big Fat Fucking Thing. Tim Burton didn’t direct 9. Fuck me, he didn’t even direct Nightmare Before Christmas! Get your shit straight! I don’t even know why I’m giving that much of a shit, the man hasn’t made a decent movie since Big Fish…where was I? Oh yeah, 9! It’s really pretty. The story is terrible. I mean, I don’t think they made it past the first draft on this one. See it for the visuals. Maybe when you’re drunk or high, cause there’s really no substance in there. Especially the ending. Jeez.

Rewatching this, you know what? This is a pretty good movie! It does the Robin Hood thing right. That’s what makes me laugh about the new Robin Hood coming out from Ridley Scott, obviously starring Russel Crowe; after watching Prince of Theives I really don’t need to see another Robin Hood movie. It’s got pretty much everything in there. Oh, but it’s not gritty and realistic enough. That’s right. Well, reboot it!

My favorite part of the movie by far is when Kevin Costner shoots an arrow in slow motion while everything in England is exploding RIGHT BEHIND HIM. Top that, Mr. Scott.

I wanted to like this movie. I’d heard nothing but good things about, it’s got Ryan Gosling and he’s a good actor, it’s all independent and shit. It’s got an AWESOME premise! This loner guy goes crazy or something and buys a Real Doll and pretends she’s his real girlfriend. By the way, if you’re not at work, look up the Real Doll website. It’s simultaneously the most hilarious and horrifying thing I’ve ever seen. Even moreso because there’s a porno out there starring a Real Doll. Really.

Ok, so this should be great, right? Nothing in this fucking movie makes any sense. It’s 2 straight hours of me wanting to pull my hair out because nobody would ever actually behave the way they do in this movie. Lars is the crazy one with his imaginary girlfriend. But what does his brother and sister in law do? They go along with it! Oh, only after taking him to an actual psychiatrist who also goes along with it. A doctor. Feeds into this obviously poor crazy guy’s delusion. And then they somehow manage to convince this entire town to go along with it? The mall gives the Real Doll a job. Are you hearing me? The mall in this town full of families with children gives an actual job to a motherfucking sex doll. But I went along with it. I mean, Lars seemed happy enough.

Bianca was also content.

I drew the line when, at the end of the movie, and I don’t give a shit if I’m spoiling this for you, Lars calls an ambulance for Bianca because she’s sick and an ambulance actually takes her to the hospital. That would mean that if you lived in that state at the time of Lars having his complete mental collapse, your tax dollars would be paying for a hospital room for a sex doll. What if the hospital was one room shy of being full up right before Bianca became sick? And then the local butcher lopped his index finger off? “Sorry, Glen, we can’t see you just yet. The fuckin’ sex doll is taking up a bed. Can’t you just live the rest of your life without that finger so we can continue to not actually medically treat the sex doll? Do it for Lars, buddy.” And then they have a funeral for the sex doll. Do you know how much funerals cost?! DO YOU?!!

YES!

I’ve been watching a bunch of movies from the mid 90’s recently and I’m really starting to get nostalgic for that crazy kind of retarded filmmaking. You know, when they still pretty much did “Die Hard on a (blank)” movies like every season. Shit’s too realistic now. Sure I love Dark Knight and Casino Royale and I understand how it’s become a fad to make your movie super gritty and dark, but come on! I miss the days of enormous explosions for no reason and crazy over the top bad guys who are SO FUCKING EVIL god you just want them to die! The first thing Dennis Hopper does in this movie is stab an innocent guy in the NECK with a PEN. GHEW!!! It was awesome! And you know right away who the bad guy is. It’s that guy! The crazy guy with the bloody pen! And a bus FLEW!

HAHAHAHATHAT would NEVER happen!

And just go back up there and look at the poster! You know exactly what’s gonna happen in this movie. A fucking bus is going to get the shit blown out of it while Keeanu Reeves gets angry! I actually like Keeanu Reeves in this. He’s no Ted Theodore Logan but at least he’s not Jesus Bullet-Dodging Christ (coughMatrixcough). He’s just a guy who does bomb stuff and BOOM KA POW holy shit I forgot what point I was making KABLAMMO!!! YAY!

Speaking of Jesus…

This movie is amazing. It’s on Instant Netflix, go watch it now. It’s terrifying but in the kind of way that you really want to keep watching. Now, naturally I’m biased. I went to Catholic school for 13 years so I’ve had a lot of the religious stuff thrown at me in my life and what came out of that was a general dislike/mistrust of organized religion. This shit is the most organized religion can probably get. It’s about a camp for children run by Evangelical (or born-again) Christians. I won’t really get into it too much cause this could quickly turn into an anti-religious rant and that’s not what this movie is about. It does a fantastic job of showing you how these people act and what goes on in their community without manipulating the audience too much into thinking they’re crazy.

They do a pretty decent job of that themselves.

What’s ultimately disturbing to me is to see just how much these adults openly admit to brainwashing their children. And the whole thing comes off as hilarious in a creepy way because they’re so into the religion and bible and the teachings of Jesus, apparently, yet they’re so ANGRY about all of it! There’s nothing peaceful or harmonious about anything that they’re doing. It’s angry, I would even say hateful religion, when they’re so absolutely against anything that goes against what they believe. Shit, I totally turned this into an anti-religious rant.

Ok, back on track. This is, if it’s possible, better than Speed. Speed had a bus flying out of an explosion, this has a fucking PLANE flying out of one! There’s so much badass going on in that poster! Con Air also has a hilariously over the top cast going for it. In addition to who you see on the poster it has Colm Meaney (that Irish guy in every Irish movie ever), Ving Rhames (pretty much still playing Marcellus Wallace), Danny Trejo (that Mexican guy in every movie with a Mexican who kills people), Dave Chappelle, and Steve Buscemi as a fucking child-murdering serial killer. Nothing in Con Air is not hilariously awesome.

Nothing.

And my GOD the ending! This plane crashes for like 10 minutes! In Vegas! It’s crazy! And John Malkovich dies like 6 different times. Con Air just proves again that nothing can kill John Malkovich. NOTHING!

This is such a weird movie. I love Gremlins. It’s an awesome fucked up movie that’s all happy one minute and terrifying the next. The gremlins in the first movie were supposed to be menacing and scary. They were pretty silly toward the end but there was still that one crazy gremlin with the handgun, he was scary, right? Then you have the gremlins in the sequel. There’s a surly one and a dopey one and a smart one. There’s one that’s made of lightning and one that’s a bat. There’s a phantom of the opera one and a spider one. There’s even a goddamned sexy one.

Yowza.

The sequel is like a parody of the original, but like a fully-licensed and endorsed parody. It’s bizarre! They have Leonard Maltin criticizing the first movie inside the second movie! When did Gremlins 2 become reflexive? Oh, and then there’s the part where the film “breaks” and you see the audience, apparently watching Gremlins 2 in the theater, get angry and recruit Hulk Hogan to yell at the 4th wall. Nevermind, Gremlins 2 isn’t weird. It should be shown in film theory classes.

Ghost Shit, oh sorry, Ship starts off awesome. Instead of me telling you how awesome the opening is, here, watch it. (Proooobably NSFW, no boobies, just blood)

YES! Highly improbable but cool! Man, the rest of the movie must be as cool as that!

Nope. Don’t watch it. I got all the way to the end and when I say the plot falls apart I mean I’ve seen Jenga games sturdier than this piece of shit. I don’t even know what was happening by the end. All you need to know is people got cut in half. Moving on.

I’m gonna get my nitpicky criticsm out of the way first: For a movie about the end of the world there were not enough scenes of the world ending. Ok. That being said, the scenes of the world ending that are there are FUCKING AWESOME! As my brother Jason put it, 2012 is 2 1/2 hours of vehicles narrowly escaping the earth exploding. Just when you think John Cusack can’t outrun another fireball bigger than texas he does! One time it was in a limo! I was going to link to that scene but then I found this, which is the exact same scene except all the sfx have been taken out. Enjoy.

I almost like this version better. Almost.

Ahh hahahaha man, that reminds me of the montage of Shia LaBeouf saying “no”

He and Megan Fox are such a good team!

Alright, I got all those out of the way I think. It’s time for

I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but this movie is fucking amazing. First of all, it’s actually funny. Not funny in the way like “oh, it’s Weekend at Bernie’s, that’s funny, ha” but it’s actually funny. Like, I was laughing out loud the entire movie. Granted I think I was drunk when I watched it but whatever, I’m drunk most of the time right? (editor’s note: Mom, I’m actually not an alcoholic, it’s just a running joke)

I must have been drunk…

Also, I must have only ever seen this movie on tv because it was WAY raunchier than I remembered. There’s a scene where Bernie’s mistress sneaks into his room and fucks his dead body! DID YOU READ THAT!? This movie has comical necrophilia! The tagline should have been “If you love Andrew McCarthy and corpse fucking then go see Weekend at Bernie’s!”

She did WHAT?!

Seriously, though, it’s actually funny. Funny in the way that stupid movies are funny, like Airplane!, it’s dumb humor without being immature. Are you reading this, people who made Disaster Movie? Comedies can be dumb as long as they’re not fucking stupid, if that makes any sense. Weekend at Bernie’s was hilariously dumb, but it wasn’t retarded. Not like Weekend at Bernie’s 2. I’ll review that next time. Jesus…

KISSES!
-JON:)

Hello all!

I’m starting 2010 off right! I got a treadmill, my lady and I explored an abandoned (blowed up) paper factory, I’m working on freelance, and I’m going to buy a goddamned HD TV, like, probably next week. And on top of that I’m working on comics almost harder than ever! I’ll continue to crank em out, you continue to read them. And if you feel inclined to link to them or send them to your friends or newspapers or whatever, go ahead and do that! Seriuosly.

Anyways, I just organized a shitload of photos on my Flickr page, so you should go on over there and check em out. Here are a couple, if you click on them it’ll take you right to my photostream. Enjoy!

KISSES!
-JON:)

Caligula is what happens when a prominent writer gets a titty magazine to finance a historical epic. This movie is 27 different kinds of crazy failure.

I heard about Caligula a while ago and was intrigued. The second it popped up on instant netflix I hit the “add to queue” button faster than I could say ORGY! Which is exactly what I would end up saying about halfway through this goddamned movie. Right off the bat Caligula blindsides you with more exposed flesh than you were probably prepared for, and I even saw Prospero’s Books (Yeah! Film geek cred!). Within the first few seconds there was a boob just bouncing around. This itself wasn’t that shocking, after all, I just watched Thankskilling. But a few minutes in I’d seen every body part known to man in just about every angle filmable.

Sandwiched in to all these tits and cock (I’m going to be saying tits and cock SO MUCH for the rest of this review) are respectable actors: Malcolm McDowell, Helen Mirren, Peter O’Fucking Toole! Peter O’Toole is in this! The first time you see him he’s swimming around a giant pool with big syphalis wounds on his face fondling a bunch of naked women.

You’ve come a long way, good sir.

This is where the movie starts getting nuts, and this is where I’m going to stop my review for a moment and give you a bit of background. In 1975 Gore Vidal wrote a script for a big historical epic based on the life of Caligula, the bat-shit crazy ceasar who fucked anything that moved and appointed his horse a priest. Failing to raise money for his movie in ways that didn’t involve titty magazines, Vidal contacted Bob Guccione, founder of Penthouse, and Guccione agreed to finance the movie as long as he could add in gratuitous nudity and sex. Vidal, obviously, agreed. The following production was plagued with difficulties (going over budget, badly-constructed sets, titties not good enough) and resulted in a bunch of haphazard scenes of poorly edited incoherence. By the time the movie was finished the director was fired and Vidal took a pay cut in order to have his name removed because he HATED IT SO MUCH.

This is where things get crazier. Bob Guccione, unhappy with the finished product he was given, hired a new director and, using the costumes and sets and equipment he already had, shot a bunch of hardcore porn and edited it into the movie. Are you hearing me? The end result was a film in which shots of Peter O’Toole were seamlessly integrated with blowjobs. Wikipedia offers a handy list of the sexual acts that made it into the finished cut of the movie, including “orgies, masturbation, fellatio, cunnilingus, anal fisting, homosexuality, transvestism, incest, rape, urination, as well as scenes of decapitation of prisoners by a giant “killing machine,” infanticide, implied fratricide, and penile as well as testicular castration”, the majority of which made it into the scene at the beginning of the film with Peter O’Motherfucking Toole. There is literally a shot of Pete and Malcolm walking past a guy jacking off. Peter O’Toole gotta eat, I guess.

That pretty much brings me back to the movie. Now if you’re reading all of this and thinking “Holy shit, I gotta see that!” don’t add it to your instant queue just yet. The version on Netflix, the version I watched, is apparently the most censored version of the film (read: British), which in ways makes it way more insane. In order to cut out all the shots of anal-fisting and labia-licking and good old fashioned cock-sucking (because there’s a LOT of it in there) the censored version is hacked up into a garbled mess. The scene I mentioned before with Pete and Malcolm walking around is chopped up so bad that they end up in different parts of the set shot to shot. The camera keeps cutting away to random repeated shots; I couldn’t tell what was going on, especially when they overlapped the original audio to leave in conversation and I could actually HEAR, just not SEE, a guy masturbating. I’m not joking. At all.

What about the stuff they left in, you ask? Well that’s pretty hard to comprehend also. There is so much tits and cock in this movie you eventually forget that 98% of the actors on camera are fucking naked. I guess that’s why they threw in baffling set pieces like this:

Oh this? This is just my dick lamp.

I never thought I’d have to say “I lost count of all the penis-shaped props in that movie” but fate, that cruel bitch, has proven me wrong. Now if you’re still morbidly curious about those infamous scenes (like I clearly was) you can pretty easily find them on the magical internet. No, I’m not going to link them, but they’re there. Like the uncut imperial orgy scene, which has a lovely ending shot of jizz that fades into Caligula riding a horse into battle. Or the apparently completely cut scene where Caligula is doing his SISTER while 2 lesbians watch through a hole in the wall before they decide to eat each other out for a few minutes. The hilarious thing about all the hardcore sex is that none of the actors knew it was going to be cut into the movie. Imagine if you were Helen Mirren watching the movie for the first time after shooting it and seeing a shot of yourself being all grand and queen like only to be immediately followed by a nice big close up of some penetration. But seriously, the movie was funded by Penthouse. She was lucky a cock didn’t end up in her somewhere on screen.

If you look close enough there’s probably somebody fucking in that picture.

Caligula is a terrific failure. It would have probably been a half decent movie without the constant barrage of tits and cock, but the addition of straight up porno makes it it’s own creature. What it boils down to is this: There are 2 types of movies in the world. Porn and every other type of movie. Here’s a handy way of figuring out if the movie you just made is porn:

1. Does it show oral sex?
2. Does it show penetration?
3. Does it show every other sex act created?

If you answered yes to any of these then you just made a porno. If you answered yes to all of these, you just made Caligula II: The Revenge of the Orgy…I was also gonna try and work a Brown Bunny joke in there but I think everyone’s tired of that one.

KISSES!
-JON:)

Welcome back for more of my angry ramblings about terrible movies that have been out for a while. I’ll get right to the point on this one, if you want to know about the greatest movie ever made that you can watch practically for FREE then just skip to the bottom. In the meantime, here are some of the things I’ve watched recently, most of which involve boobs:

Hey, so remember how at the end of American Werewolf in London the werewolf gets away and runs off howling at the moon and the last shot you see is this forboding image of the Eiffel tower and there are werewolves? Oh wait, that might have been 28 Weeks Later. OH! Now I remember, American Werewolf in London is the movie that has no loose ends left untied whatsoever. So sure, why not make a fuckin’ sequel over a decade later.

American Werewolf in Paris stars that guy from That Thing You Do (not Tom Hanks) and some French chick and a bunch of 1997-era CGI werewolves.

Dear god! Look at those shitty effects!

Apparently extreme sports were all the rage in 1997, and so this movie follows a couple of assholes from America on a “Danger Tour” or some shit across Europe where they award themselves points based on how many extreme times they can listen to that Smash Mouth song that was popular in 1997. Was extreme sports really that big at the time? I have no idea, I spent the end of the 90’s through, well, today playing Resident Evil. Stop asking me about current events. Anyway, I don’t really remember what happens past what I just told you because I was BORED OUT OF MY MIND. I only looked up from my laptop when people started screaming.

This movie is not even enjoyably bad. The acting is horrible, the special effects are painful, and the plot rambles in a bunch of different directions to the point where I don’t think the writers know what werewolves are. There’s a whole subplot with dead ghosts acting like the Three Stooges in the middle that I don’t think ever got resolved. Jack’s wife from Lost bitches for like a solid half hour about not wanting to be undead and then we never find out what happens to her.

The most fun I had while watching this movie was remembering I saw her on Lost and then thinking about how much better Lost is than this shit.

The one scene that really sticks in my mind more than any, and honestly not just because I’m a guy, is right after That Thing You Do guy gets bitten. He wakes up in the French chick’s house all confused and she comes in with a nice blended up human heart shake (don’t ask) and as soon as he starts freaking out about being injured and sort of kidnapped, she straddles him, pulls off her shirt, and makes him feel her up.

Boobs

Now I’m not an idiot. I know this scene has nothing to do with the plot, it’s just an excuse to show some boobies, but I’ve seen dumber excuses to show boobies that at least made more sense! “Oh this guy is freaking out, I should calm him down. Better bring out my tits!” When would this happen? Took me right out of the movie. Completely shattered my suspension of disbelief. THIS SCENE DID! Not the shitty special effects! Alright, I’m done talking about this. On to:

HAHA! Wow, you wanna talk about a movie that doesn’t hold up? There it is. I remember loving the shit out of this and the sequel when I was younger, I thought maybe that sparked what would later become my unhealthy obsession with robots. Because man I love me some robots. Some Terminator robots and some Wall-E robots and Battlestar Galactica robots and Alien robots, hell, even Data from Star Trek I love! So when I saw this on my instant queue you can imagine I was excited. Johnny 5! ALIVE!

…Johnny 5 is the gayest robot alive. Way gayer than C-3PO and that’s saying something.
If you ever want your love of robots to be destroyed, just skip to the scene where Johnny 5 ballroom dances with Ally Sheedy while singing the Bee Gees. Are you kidding me? Honestly I paid less attention to this than I did to American Douchebag in Paris and even LESS attention to:

Waitwaitwait, you know what? Here’s a better, more accurate poster for the movie:

Everything you need to know about Short Circuit 2.

Short Circuit 2 is so bad even Steve Guttenberg wouldn’t be in it! It has something to do with toys, I don’t remember. Although, it IS worth watching if you want to see Johnny 5 get beaten an inch from death. That totally happens in this. Unlike the rest of the movies on this list, Short Circuits have no boobs. Not like:

This was actually pretty good. Well, compared to the rest of the movies I watched this was amazing. Interesting thing about this movie, half of the plot seems to just be about our shitty economy. So it’s topical! Though watching a movie about a high class escort walk around New York listening to her clients talk about their failing businesses gets a bit boring, what I found pretty redeeming about this movie was just how well it’s shot. Really, it’s gorgeous! But I guess that’s not really what this movie is well known for. Nah, the only reason you’ve probably heard about The Girlfriend Experience is because Steven Sodergergh cast a real life porn star in the main role. And not just any porn star. He cast everyone’s favorite depraved and twisted “Oh god, why is she doing that with her face?!” porn star, Sasha Grey:

Oops, sorry, hang on. It’s hard to type her name into Google images without a bunch of cocks flying at you. Here we go:

She’s not the best actress in the world, most of the movie she’s pretty cold and distant and seems kind of dead inside. Although, maybe that’s exactly the right way to play a high class escort. A high class one. High class. Fancy…and sophisticated?

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh that’s more like it!

And while we’re talking about classiness, I think I’ll get to the final movie for the day. A veritable feast for the eyes. Something no DVD collection should be without:

I watched this entire movie.

Thankskilling is in some ways the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and in other ways possibly the best, and somehow it manages to be both of these things for the same reasons. I’ll
start at the beginning: The first thing you see in Thankskilling is a nipple. No joke. A close up of a nipple. The nipple in question belongs to Wanda Lust, apparently a porn star who’s actually billed in the main credits despite getting killed before the main credits appear. As Wanda runs through the forest with her boobs hanging out (because that’s how pilgrim women dressed, right?) I realized she’s being chased by someone…or someTHING! Wanda trips and turns only to find herself face to face with a demonic turkey who utters Thankskilling’s first spoken dialogue:

“Nice tits, bitch!”

And then he kills her with an axe. Now I know what you’re wondering and I asked myself the same question at this point, 1 minute into the film, “Jonathan, how can this possibly get better?!”
IT DOES! There are some amazing moments in this movie, not to mention a creative cast of characters. You’ve got a jock, a fat redneck, a nerd who wants to get “wasted and laid,” a slut, and the wholesome girl-next-door, and of course an evil talking turkey who has the dexterity to slaughter people with shotguns and an electric carver.

Watch the guns…they’ll getcha.

I honestly can’t pick my favorite scene in this piece of shit. There’s the part where the turkey hitchikes and gets picked up by a guy who’s first reaction ISN’T “holy shit a talking turkey,” which really it should have been since the turkey blows his head off with that shotgun I talked about earlier. There’s the part where the turkey kills the girl-next-door’s father and then wears his face like a mask so nobody realizes he’s a turkey. There’s the part where the horny nerd cries for about 20 minutes over his dead fat redneck friend and has a flashback to all the good times they spent together before getting killed by a turkey. Oh yeah, then there’s the part where the slut doesn’t realize that the guy she’s fucking was killed mid-coitus by a turkey who then finished her off by screaming “YOU GOT STUFFED!” before snapping her neck.

Oooooh, THAT’S why it felt different this time! Gobble gobble!

To reiterate, this is a movie where a turkey fucks a girl who doesn’t realize she’s getting fucked by a turkey. I’m sure there have been more retarded things committed to film but I don’t care at this point. This movie is horrifically terrible in every concievable way:

WRITING:
The plot is about a turkey who comes to life every 503 years, inhabited by the spirit of an angry Indian, to kill white people for liking Thanksgiving despite the fact that the first Thanksgiving happened only 388 years ago. I’m pretty sure a drunk 3rd grader wrote this movie.

DIRECTING:
Pretty sure the director is a foreigner who only knows how to say “ACTION, SAY WORDS! ACT BETTER” in English.

ACTING:
The girl-next-door says to the slut “Your legs are harder to close than the JonBenét Ramsey case!”…twice. The second time she says this “joke” her friends actually laugh harder than they did the first time. Did they forget she already said that? Was this a flub on the script supervisor’s part? Hahahahahahaha, oh man, script supervisor. Yeah, like this movie had one of those. This complaint can also be contributed to the writing but seriously, the acting is awful.

EDITING:
This is my biggist gripe with the movie. The editor must have been an epileptic locked in a dark editing suite with a strobe light behind his monitor. During a typical spoken line of dialogue the film cuts frantically to anywhere between 4 and 37 different shots.

SOUND:
Thank you General Bastard, whoever you are, for crafting a shitty gangsta rap gobble theme song for this movie to reuse every 5 minutes.

SFX:
There is no excuse for CGI blood in movies that actually have a budget. It is literally the cheapest special effect in existence. Every time I see some red splatter added in After Effects I have a mini stroke.

Thankskilling is just barely above the unwatchable line. If you have the time and the patience and preferably the liquor it’s at least a better put together film than Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned, but then again so everything else I’ve ever seen. Oh yeah, boobs:

Guess which one’s the slut. Thanksgiving break, WHOOO!

KISSES!
-JON:)

Brrrr! It’s kind of chilly outside, isn’t it?

Well I thought I’d update a little on what’s going on with the site and such. I know the whole “updating regularly” thing has been a little lax recently but I have a plan to remedy it. I’ve got a whole slew of comics on the horizon and I plan to try and update once a day for a bit until I’ve sort of caught up with what I, you know, should have been posting this whole time.

Life in Baltimore is still crazy but now it’s fun-crazy and not pull-my-eyeballs-out-crazy. I spent the final two months of my lease frantically searching for a new roommate and settling my living situation. There’s nothing like the overbearing possibility that you might be homeless in less than a month to cramp one’s creative output. Luckily my friend Annamarie is going to by my new house mate! She has a cat and a ferret and I’m hoping that’ll lead to new material for me to draw silly things about.

Dealing with my lease pretty much put a complete stop to all of the plans I was developing for my site and so now I’m going to try and focus on them again; things like screen printing t shirts, making books, painting paintings and such, all things that I plan on putting up for sale soon on this here website. Cause you know, the only thing better than drawing my life for everyone on the internet to see is making some money off of it.

In the meantime, sit back, keep telling your friends about This is 65, and enjoy the holidays. I’m going to be drunk on eggnog soon enough.

KISSES!
-JON:)

I’ve seen the Hill Have Eyes remake.  I didn’t like it.  But for some reason I decided to watch it again, cause hey, maybe I was too hasty the first time around in not liking it.  After all, several of my friends who have proven themselves to have good taste in movies tell me they love it.  Hell, I’ll give it another shot.

There are two things I immediately discovered as soon as this movie started:

First thing: Hey, Claire from Lost is in this!
Second thing: Nope, I still hate it.

I don’t have to repeat myself about how shitty most modern horror movies are and how EXCEPTIONALLY shitty the remakes are (Jessica Beil, shame on you!). That being said, the main reason why I don’t like this movie is the total lack of subtlety. Instead of letting the story play out and allowing the audience to discover plot points along the way, we’re spoonfed the gist of it literally in the opening credits. Nuclear bombs! Government bad! DEFORMED BABIES, JESUS NO!!! Get it, guys? They’re deformed from the radiation! Yeah, because I bet imbreeding had absolutely nothing to do with it either.

Later, when the dad goes looking for help after the family caravan’s tires mysteriously fucking explode, he stumbles upon a wall covered in newspaper clippings that cover not only the aforementioned radiation and bomb tests but ALSO the countless missing persons and murders the hill people have been committing since the 50’s. I’m having a hard time figuring out where I want to start going insane about this.

So let me get this straight. You’ve been getting away with murder for 50 fucking years and you’re making a scrapbook about it on a gas station wall? The antagonists in this movie are crazed raping deformed HILL PEOPLE. Who probably drink moonshine. I have a hard time believing there’s even one person in their entire community who’s sentimental enough to keep track of all the tourists they murped (that’s when you rape and murder someone, which they’re apparently really fond of doing). But really, my favorite part of the movie comes near the end when, in case you haven’t been able to piece it together, Rubber Johnny ironically sings the star spangled banner before fully explaining that the government set off atomic bombs and that’s why they now murp innocent families who don’t even work for the government. Know what I was doing when we dropped the bomb on Hiroshima, guys? I was secretly planning it from inside my dad who was also a baby at the time.

I caused this!

The other thing I hate about this movie is pretty much every character. The family in this movie is so unlikable I was excited for them to finally die. And the most unlikable character (you know, the wimpy democrat) is the one they choose to become the hero in the end. Really? I spend an hour of this movie watching this guy be the biggest and douchiest pussy on the face of the earth and then I’m supposed to believe he has the balls to go slaughter a bunch of ax-wielding, shotgun-toting psychopaths (with hair lips)? I was not drunk enough to watch this.

Alright, you got me. I take back everything I just said about the first one. In fact, I will gladly watch the first one on a loop for 3 straight days instead of watching this one again. This is one of the most incompetent movies I may have ever seen. I’m just going to list the things that are horribly wrong with this movie in no particular order:

Professionally trained army guys can’t defend themselves against imbred mutant retards?

Why would the army send, like, 2 soldiers to guard a bunch of technicians in a spot where they KNOW countless people have been ambushed and slaughtered?

I didn’t know that even in the national guard reserve hot girls are required to wear makeup at all times and let their hair down at the first sign of trouble.

The green screen, my GOD, the green screen! How hard is it to shoot on location in the middle of nowhere in AMERICA.

That one mutant’s job is apparently to rape girls and then kill them (another murper). Also, he only knows how to say “mother” and “die.” So, clearly, he can just destroy an entire platoon of soldiers.

You know, for being imbred and irradiated he’s in pretty good shape. Am I right?

On top of all of those things, which probably don’t even include the shit that my brain has just blocked out, every single character in this movie is a goddamned walking cliche. Let’s see, there’s the tough as nails black sergeant, the ethnic new mother who keeps looking at a video of her son on her cell phone, the hot girl, the hot boy (they’re doing each other, shock!), the skinny wimpy guy, the Latino guy with a fiery temper, the selfish jackass who only wants to save himself, the tough as nails black rookie who was probably in jail at some point, and the fat guy with the lisp. There is a FAT GUY with a LISP. Was this supposed to be a comedy and they repitched it as a horror movie? Spoiler alert, these 3 survive:

Look at how pretty they are! This will test great in the 15-20 male demographic.

KISSES!
-JON:)

Out of all the posters I found on Google this was by far the best and most appropriate:

Everybody knows that David lynch is crazier than a bag of doorknobs, so I shouldn’t be surprised when his movies do the things that they do. Blue velvet is about Kyle McLaughlin’s unhealthy obsession with a severed ear. You know what’s funny? I just grossly oversimplified the plot for comic effect but I bet if David lynch read that he’d say “Finally! Somebody gets it!”

The movie takes place in the 50’s (probably) and starts out fairly normal. Now, you might be thinking “severed ear” and “normal” don’t go too well together but it’s a David Lynch movie. If Blue Velvet started out with a shot of a mime slapping himself in the face with a piece of salami while David Bowie sat in the background screaming, I would STILL think to myself, “when is this going to get weird?”

Kyle McLaughlin and that paleontologist chick from Jurassic Park are supposed to be college/high school aged (probably) and like each other, and they flirt, and they decide to investigate this whole severed ear thing together because apparently that sounds like a better idea of a 1950’s style date than going to the drive in and having sex. This goes on for a while and I finally got to the point where I thought, hey, you know what? Maybe this movie isn’t totally bat-shit insane. Maybe it’s just a movie about investigating a severed ear. But I thought Dennis Hopper was in this. Oh! There he is! And he’s dry-humping Isabella Rossellini while screaming “BABY WANTS TO FUCK” with a piece of, you guessed it!, blue velvet shoved into his mouth.

Ta-da! NOW it’s a David Lynch movie.

Did I mention that while that was going on Kyle McLauglin was naked and silently watching from the closet? Aside from the severed ear plot point, I can’t begin to tell you what the fuck this movie is about. It takes a serious sharp turn into crazy town and doesn’t really ever leave. From the moment Dennis Hopper enters the movie it’s mostly about him and how fucking happy you should be that he’s not your uncle. Honestly I can’t pick my favorite scene with him because they’re all equally insane and incomprehensible, but I do have a particular fondness for the part where, after screaming about how much he loves PBR, Dennis screams “I’LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!” and then litereally dissapears from the frame.

YES! I can’t believe I found that on Youtube!

I really liked Blue Velvet, because I’m a film student and we’re supposed to like deep shit that nobody can understand. But seriously, David Lynch movies are fun to watch if you can put up with not understanding ANYTHING. The only thing I actually didn’t like was that it had a weird happy ending that didn’t fit in with the hour and a half of terrifying craziness you just watched, but I guess everything in the 50’s ended happily (probably).

KISSES!
-JON:)