Every once in a while I think about what I’m doing with 2 degrees in film after 5 years of college (that’s right, 2…an Associate’s degree counts), and the answer is usually nothing. So I decided that since I have this handy blog thing lying around that maybe I’d do something with it involving my vast and superior knowlege of movies and crap. MOVIE REVIEWS! Am I right?!

But Jonathan, you might be saying, I hate movie critics. They always use big words and too many synonyms and I almost never agree with them. Why, when some douchebag in Entertainment Weekly reviewed Panic Room all they did was talk about how the opening credits were innapropriate so soon after 9/11. So yeah, movie reviews are dumb.

That’s why I want to do something a little different and a lot more retarded. Using my newly reopened Netflix account and my throbbing urge to angrily yell about things I think are dumb, I’m gonna review random movies that aren’t at all new or important but that I’ve just gotten around to seeing. So here we go, let’s start out with

Ok, I think this came out like last year (or this year, I don’t have a concept of time ever since I figured out I can drink BEFORE NOON!) and do you remember the trailer? It actually made the movie look fairly good, or at least better than the remake and subsequent sequels of a bajillion, originally good horror movies. Texas Chainsaw Beil, I’m looking at you.

I love that this trailer has the cover of “Sweet Child ‘O Mine” by that girl from the concretes who actually made a Guns N Roses song make me want to weep. It makes the movie look that much more disturbing than it probably is. And hey, the movie is kind of disturbing. Let’s talk about that rape scene, huh? That was some pretty messed up shit. However, and not to sound like a goddamned film student about this, what was the motivation behind the rape? Not saying that there’s supposed to be motivation behind beating and raping some random girl. I mean, if you’re the type of person who can do that there’s probably not a whole lot driving your actions aside from some scary crazies, but the scene does kind of just come out of nowhere. And it goes on so long that I was wishing the scene would end not out of discomfort but more out of a desire to see, you know, the rest of the movie. So, there’s that.

But let’s get back to this trailer. If you think there’s gonna be some other cool stuff in the movie that you’re not seeing in the trailer (besides boobs) you’re wrong. Did you watch that trailer? Guess what, you just watched the whole fucking movie! (except for some boobs) In fact, the last shot in the trailer with that guy’s head in the microwave was literally the last fucking thing to happen in the movie. The guy’s head explodes, cut to credits. Thanks a lot for taking literally every bit of suspense out of watching that thing. Also there was a little bit of boobs, which funny enough is the only thing this has in common with older, better horror movies. Speaking of better movies…

WHOOPS! Did I say better movies? I meant morbid curiosity.

I actually have seen this before but I apparently blocked the whole thing out of my head and decided to rewatch it. Thanks, Netflix instant queue. Remember when the whole world, or I guess at least America, was fucking OBSESSED with the Matrix? And how awesome it was!? And how deep and meaningful it was!? That’s right, the Matrix made every popped collar asshole with half a brain feel like they understand philosophy, which even THAT is totally retarded. Have you ever talked to a philosophy major? Christ, they’re worse than film kids (ZING!)

Anyway, the Matrix Reloaded is about computers and green chinese symbols and ghosts and werewolves and CG Keanu Reeves and it has Michael from Lost in it. Wait wait, ghosts and werewolves!? That sounds awesome! Nope, the werewolf gets shot in the face before it can say anything and ghosts look like albino DJs and get blown up by Lawrence Fishburn and a samuri sword. Did you know you can blow up ghosts? You can in the Matrix.

That’s gay.

I didn’t even finish watching this piece of shit after the freeway scene which is the only decent part of the movie. I remember there being something about an architect and lots of fancy words at the end or some shit. This proves the same thing as Terminator Salvation and the majority of the Star Wars prequels: An entire movie dedicated to setting up the next movie is useless and boring and infuritating. Nothing that you actually want to happen happens. By the time the third Matrix movie gets around to showing Catwoman jumping backwards out of a window in slow motion for 15 minutes are we supposed to remember it happening in the BEGINNING of this movie? Did I just ask a question? I lost track of what was going on. HA! Get it? That was a metaphor for the Matrix.

Fucking awesome.

You know, everyone laughed at me when I said “Guess what I got in the mail today!” claiming Road House to be at all, in any way, a bad movie. I got news for you, suckers. This movie is non-stop bad ass from beginning to end. Well, except for the philosophy nonsense (see above).

Now, I was totally into this movie right away but I was a bit confused for a while. At first glance, Road House doesn’t really have a plot. I mean, if it had been just a movie about Patrick Swayze beating the living shit out of goons for 2 straight hours I’d still give it 5 stars, but I’d be left a bit unsatisfied. Not to fear. Road House totally has a plot, and it’s this:

There’s this guy and he’s rich and a dick and Patrick Swayze fucks his shit UP.

Seriously, the bad guy is just a rich asshole. He’s not even like a senator or something, he’s just RICH. RICHER THAN YOU’LL EVER BE! Rich enough to literally get away with driving monster trucks through buildings and blow up several houses. And to answer your question, I don’t know where the fuck any of the cops are.

Arguably the best part of Road House is when Patrick Swayze rips a guy’s throat out WITH HIS BARE HANDS. It’s the best part because the entire movie up to that point has been build-up for seeing this happen. First you hear that he killed a guy once. Then you hear that he ripped the guy’s throat out! Then you hear how much ripping that guy’s throat out emotionally scarred him! It’s heartbreaking! There’s a small period of time when you think that Patrick Swayze will never rip another guy’s throat out again. And then he gets angry and does it. To the bad guy’s son.

2:37…You’re welcome.

After Patrick falls off the no-throat-ripping-out wagon he pretty much kills everyone who’s bad that’s left in the movie except for the fat guy, cause everyone loves a fat guy.

There’s more I could say about all three of these movies but I think I’ll try and keep it short and sweet. Anyway, I’m looking for a little feedback, mostly, did you like it? I can keep writing these things. There’s a lot of shit movies on my Netflix queue.

KISSES!
-JON:)