Irrelevant Movie Reviews: Hills and Eyes an’ Shit.
I’ve seen the Hill Have Eyes remake. I didn’t like it. But for some reason I decided to watch it again, cause hey, maybe I was too hasty the first time around in not liking it. After all, several of my friends who have proven themselves to have good taste in movies tell me they love it. Hell, I’ll give it another shot.
There are two things I immediately discovered as soon as this movie started:
First thing: Hey, Claire from Lost is in this!
Second thing: Nope, I still hate it.
I don’t have to repeat myself about how shitty most modern horror movies are and how EXCEPTIONALLY shitty the remakes are (Jessica Beil, shame on you!). That being said, the main reason why I don’t like this movie is the total lack of subtlety. Instead of letting the story play out and allowing the audience to discover plot points along the way, we’re spoonfed the gist of it literally in the opening credits. Nuclear bombs! Government bad! DEFORMED BABIES, JESUS NO!!! Get it, guys? They’re deformed from the radiation! Yeah, because I bet imbreeding had absolutely nothing to do with it either.
Later, when the dad goes looking for help after the family caravan’s tires mysteriously fucking explode, he stumbles upon a wall covered in newspaper clippings that cover not only the aforementioned radiation and bomb tests but ALSO the countless missing persons and murders the hill people have been committing since the 50’s. I’m having a hard time figuring out where I want to start going insane about this.
So let me get this straight. You’ve been getting away with murder for 50 fucking years and you’re making a scrapbook about it on a gas station wall? The antagonists in this movie are crazed raping deformed HILL PEOPLE. Who probably drink moonshine. I have a hard time believing there’s even one person in their entire community who’s sentimental enough to keep track of all the tourists they murped (that’s when you rape and murder someone, which they’re apparently really fond of doing). But really, my favorite part of the movie comes near the end when, in case you haven’t been able to piece it together, Rubber Johnny ironically sings the star spangled banner before fully explaining that the government set off atomic bombs and that’s why they now murp innocent families who don’t even work for the government. Know what I was doing when we dropped the bomb on Hiroshima, guys? I was secretly planning it from inside my dad who was also a baby at the time.
I caused this!
The other thing I hate about this movie is pretty much every character. The family in this movie is so unlikable I was excited for them to finally die. And the most unlikable character (you know, the wimpy democrat) is the one they choose to become the hero in the end. Really? I spend an hour of this movie watching this guy be the biggest and douchiest pussy on the face of the earth and then I’m supposed to believe he has the balls to go slaughter a bunch of ax-wielding, shotgun-toting psychopaths (with hair lips)? I was not drunk enough to watch this.
Alright, you got me. I take back everything I just said about the first one. In fact, I will gladly watch the first one on a loop for 3 straight days instead of watching this one again. This is one of the most incompetent movies I may have ever seen. I’m just going to list the things that are horribly wrong with this movie in no particular order:
Professionally trained army guys can’t defend themselves against imbred mutant retards?
Why would the army send, like, 2 soldiers to guard a bunch of technicians in a spot where they KNOW countless people have been ambushed and slaughtered?
I didn’t know that even in the national guard reserve hot girls are required to wear makeup at all times and let their hair down at the first sign of trouble.
The green screen, my GOD, the green screen! How hard is it to shoot on location in the middle of nowhere in AMERICA.
That one mutant’s job is apparently to rape girls and then kill them (another murper). Also, he only knows how to say “mother” and “die.” So, clearly, he can just destroy an entire platoon of soldiers.
You know, for being imbred and irradiated he’s in pretty good shape. Am I right?
On top of all of those things, which probably don’t even include the shit that my brain has just blocked out, every single character in this movie is a goddamned walking cliche. Let’s see, there’s the tough as nails black sergeant, the ethnic new mother who keeps looking at a video of her son on her cell phone, the hot girl, the hot boy (they’re doing each other, shock!), the skinny wimpy guy, the Latino guy with a fiery temper, the selfish jackass who only wants to save himself, the tough as nails black rookie who was probably in jail at some point, and the fat guy with the lisp. There is a FAT GUY with a LISP. Was this supposed to be a comedy and they repitched it as a horror movie? Spoiler alert, these 3 survive:
Look at how pretty they are! This will test great in the 15-20 male demographic.
KISSES!
-JON:)