Irrelevant Movie Reviews: Happy Goddamned Holidays
Welcome back for more of my angry ramblings about terrible movies that have been out for a while. I’ll get right to the point on this one, if you want to know about the greatest movie ever made that you can watch practically for FREE then just skip to the bottom. In the meantime, here are some of the things I’ve watched recently, most of which involve boobs:
Hey, so remember how at the end of American Werewolf in London the werewolf gets away and runs off howling at the moon and the last shot you see is this forboding image of the Eiffel tower and there are werewolves? Oh wait, that might have been 28 Weeks Later. OH! Now I remember, American Werewolf in London is the movie that has no loose ends left untied whatsoever. So sure, why not make a fuckin’ sequel over a decade later.
American Werewolf in Paris stars that guy from That Thing You Do (not Tom Hanks) and some French chick and a bunch of 1997-era CGI werewolves.
Dear god! Look at those shitty effects!
Apparently extreme sports were all the rage in 1997, and so this movie follows a couple of assholes from America on a “Danger Tour” or some shit across Europe where they award themselves points based on how many extreme times they can listen to that Smash Mouth song that was popular in 1997. Was extreme sports really that big at the time? I have no idea, I spent the end of the 90’s through, well, today playing Resident Evil. Stop asking me about current events. Anyway, I don’t really remember what happens past what I just told you because I was BORED OUT OF MY MIND. I only looked up from my laptop when people started screaming.
This movie is not even enjoyably bad. The acting is horrible, the special effects are painful, and the plot rambles in a bunch of different directions to the point where I don’t think the writers know what werewolves are. There’s a whole subplot with dead ghosts acting like the Three Stooges in the middle that I don’t think ever got resolved. Jack’s wife from Lost bitches for like a solid half hour about not wanting to be undead and then we never find out what happens to her.
The most fun I had while watching this movie was remembering I saw her on Lost and then thinking about how much better Lost is than this shit.
The one scene that really sticks in my mind more than any, and honestly not just because I’m a guy, is right after That Thing You Do guy gets bitten. He wakes up in the French chick’s house all confused and she comes in with a nice blended up human heart shake (don’t ask) and as soon as he starts freaking out about being injured and sort of kidnapped, she straddles him, pulls off her shirt, and makes him feel her up.
Boobs
Now I’m not an idiot. I know this scene has nothing to do with the plot, it’s just an excuse to show some boobies, but I’ve seen dumber excuses to show boobies that at least made more sense! “Oh this guy is freaking out, I should calm him down. Better bring out my tits!” When would this happen? Took me right out of the movie. Completely shattered my suspension of disbelief. THIS SCENE DID! Not the shitty special effects! Alright, I’m done talking about this. On to:
HAHA! Wow, you wanna talk about a movie that doesn’t hold up? There it is. I remember loving the shit out of this and the sequel when I was younger, I thought maybe that sparked what would later become my unhealthy obsession with robots. Because man I love me some robots. Some Terminator robots and some Wall-E robots and Battlestar Galactica robots and Alien robots, hell, even Data from Star Trek I love! So when I saw this on my instant queue you can imagine I was excited. Johnny 5! ALIVE!
…Johnny 5 is the gayest robot alive. Way gayer than C-3PO and that’s saying something.
If you ever want your love of robots to be destroyed, just skip to the scene where Johnny 5 ballroom dances with Ally Sheedy while singing the Bee Gees. Are you kidding me? Honestly I paid less attention to this than I did to American Douchebag in Paris and even LESS attention to:
Waitwaitwait, you know what? Here’s a better, more accurate poster for the movie:
Everything you need to know about Short Circuit 2.
Short Circuit 2 is so bad even Steve Guttenberg wouldn’t be in it! It has something to do with toys, I don’t remember. Although, it IS worth watching if you want to see Johnny 5 get beaten an inch from death. That totally happens in this. Unlike the rest of the movies on this list, Short Circuits have no boobs. Not like:
This was actually pretty good. Well, compared to the rest of the movies I watched this was amazing. Interesting thing about this movie, half of the plot seems to just be about our shitty economy. So it’s topical! Though watching a movie about a high class escort walk around New York listening to her clients talk about their failing businesses gets a bit boring, what I found pretty redeeming about this movie was just how well it’s shot. Really, it’s gorgeous! But I guess that’s not really what this movie is well known for. Nah, the only reason you’ve probably heard about The Girlfriend Experience is because Steven Sodergergh cast a real life porn star in the main role. And not just any porn star. He cast everyone’s favorite depraved and twisted “Oh god, why is she doing that with her face?!” porn star, Sasha Grey:
Oops, sorry, hang on. It’s hard to type her name into Google images without a bunch of cocks flying at you. Here we go:
She’s not the best actress in the world, most of the movie she’s pretty cold and distant and seems kind of dead inside. Although, maybe that’s exactly the right way to play a high class escort. A high class one. High class. Fancy…and sophisticated?
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh that’s more like it!
And while we’re talking about classiness, I think I’ll get to the final movie for the day. A veritable feast for the eyes. Something no DVD collection should be without:
I watched this entire movie.
Thankskilling is in some ways the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and in other ways possibly the best, and somehow it manages to be both of these things for the same reasons. I’ll
start at the beginning: The first thing you see in Thankskilling is a nipple. No joke. A close up of a nipple. The nipple in question belongs to Wanda Lust, apparently a porn star who’s actually billed in the main credits despite getting killed before the main credits appear. As Wanda runs through the forest with her boobs hanging out (because that’s how pilgrim women dressed, right?) I realized she’s being chased by someone…or someTHING! Wanda trips and turns only to find herself face to face with a demonic turkey who utters Thankskilling’s first spoken dialogue:
“Nice tits, bitch!”
And then he kills her with an axe. Now I know what you’re wondering and I asked myself the same question at this point, 1 minute into the film, “Jonathan, how can this possibly get better?!”
IT DOES! There are some amazing moments in this movie, not to mention a creative cast of characters. You’ve got a jock, a fat redneck, a nerd who wants to get “wasted and laid,” a slut, and the wholesome girl-next-door, and of course an evil talking turkey who has the dexterity to slaughter people with shotguns and an electric carver.
Watch the guns…they’ll getcha.
I honestly can’t pick my favorite scene in this piece of shit. There’s the part where the turkey hitchikes and gets picked up by a guy who’s first reaction ISN’T “holy shit a talking turkey,” which really it should have been since the turkey blows his head off with that shotgun I talked about earlier. There’s the part where the turkey kills the girl-next-door’s father and then wears his face like a mask so nobody realizes he’s a turkey. There’s the part where the horny nerd cries for about 20 minutes over his dead fat redneck friend and has a flashback to all the good times they spent together before getting killed by a turkey. Oh yeah, then there’s the part where the slut doesn’t realize that the guy she’s fucking was killed mid-coitus by a turkey who then finished her off by screaming “YOU GOT STUFFED!” before snapping her neck.
Oooooh, THAT’S why it felt different this time! Gobble gobble!
To reiterate, this is a movie where a turkey fucks a girl who doesn’t realize she’s getting fucked by a turkey. I’m sure there have been more retarded things committed to film but I don’t care at this point. This movie is horrifically terrible in every concievable way:
WRITING:
The plot is about a turkey who comes to life every 503 years, inhabited by the spirit of an angry Indian, to kill white people for liking Thanksgiving despite the fact that the first Thanksgiving happened only 388 years ago. I’m pretty sure a drunk 3rd grader wrote this movie.
DIRECTING:
Pretty sure the director is a foreigner who only knows how to say “ACTION, SAY WORDS! ACT BETTER” in English.
ACTING:
The girl-next-door says to the slut “Your legs are harder to close than the JonBenét Ramsey case!”…twice. The second time she says this “joke” her friends actually laugh harder than they did the first time. Did they forget she already said that? Was this a flub on the script supervisor’s part? Hahahahahahaha, oh man, script supervisor. Yeah, like this movie had one of those. This complaint can also be contributed to the writing but seriously, the acting is awful.
EDITING:
This is my biggist gripe with the movie. The editor must have been an epileptic locked in a dark editing suite with a strobe light behind his monitor. During a typical spoken line of dialogue the film cuts frantically to anywhere between 4 and 37 different shots.
SOUND:
Thank you General Bastard, whoever you are, for crafting a shitty gangsta rap gobble theme song for this movie to reuse every 5 minutes.
SFX:
There is no excuse for CGI blood in movies that actually have a budget. It is literally the cheapest special effect in existence. Every time I see some red splatter added in After Effects I have a mini stroke.
Thankskilling is just barely above the unwatchable line. If you have the time and the patience and preferably the liquor it’s at least a better put together film than Bachelor Party in the Bungalow of the Damned, but then again so everything else I’ve ever seen. Oh yeah, boobs:
Guess which one’s the slut. Thanksgiving break, WHOOO!
KISSES!
-JON:)