WHOO!

Jesus Christ I haven’t updated this in FOREVER! Instead of skipping a bunch of movies I watched the past few months I’m gonna try and cover most of them, just as smaller bite-sized angry reviews. Well, not all angry. There are actually some pretty good ones in here. Like Weekend at Bernie’s. Shit, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to…

This actually wasn’t that bad, in fact, at times I laughed out loud. I’m kind of sick of Will Ferrell these days after he saturated the naked-middle-aged-man comedy, but in this he’s not playing that exact same character he played in Old School and Step Brothers and Talledega Nights and Semi Pro and Blades of Glory and…wait, did I make my point? Ah I guess so. He’s kind of a dick in this, which I find really funny. Danny McBride is still pretty much playing Danny McBride but I’m ok with that, I still think he’s funny. This movie is way raunchier than I expected. Like, there’s a vibrator joke and a lot of boob grabbing and a scene where everyon’es pretty much stoned out of their minds and you don’t see gay sex happen but it’s implied.

I also enjoyed the Sleestaks.

It’s worth watching at least once. It’s super silly and doesn’t really take itself seriously. Not like:

Son of a fucking bitch. Want to make yourself forget several years of higher learning in just 2 hours? Watch this piece of shit. I know I already did a comic about what a shitty writer Diablo Cody is but I’ll go ahead and say it again: Diablo Cody can’t write a movie to save the pope. The big draw for this movie, aside from the possibility of seeing Megan Fox’s tits (you don’t), is supposed to be that it’s from an Academy Award winning writer. This once again proves that the Academy is legally retarded. I say once again because, hey, remember Marissa Tomei? Come to think of it, this probably would have been a thousand times better if Marissa Tomei had played Jennifer.

But come on, it doesn’t matter if she’s a good actress, right?

Maybe Megan Fox could have gotten away with acting slightly better than a cardboard box in this if she’d had some better dialoge to work with. Thanks to IMDB I didn’t even have to try that hard to remember some classic lines such as:

“You’re lime green jello and you can’t even admit it to yourself”
“I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It’s about a girl who’s, like, half sushi. She must’ve had sex with a blowhole or something”
“You give me such a wetty”
[after being stabbed by Needy] “Oww. My Tit”
[Having been stabbed in the stomach and bleeding profusely] “Got a tampon?”

Golly, Diablo, thanks so much for all the insight into believable quirky teenage girl dialoge! If actual teenage girls talk like this I’m going to shoot myself in the face.

I love this movie! I hadn’t seen it in a while and thought that it probably wouldn’t hold up that well but you know what? It’s damn creepy! There are some fucked up things that happen in this movie, like the whole dream sequence at school where Tina’s dead body is dragged through the hallway? Bbbrrrrrr!!! Messed up. Totally awesome. Plus, Johnny Depp gets eaten by a bed.

See?

I’m interested to see the remake of this. I wonder if they’ll do a better job than the Friday the 13th rewhatever. Here’s a fun game. Think of your favorite movie from your childhood. The movie that helped shape you into the person you are today, the movie that you watched so much the VHS’s tracking got all fucked up. Got it? Guess what, they’re already either remaking it, rebooting it, reimagining it (if Tim Burton is involved) or worse, making a shitty unnecessary sequel. Nothing is sacred anymore. Not even Ghostbusters.

Speaking of Tim Burton, he didn’t make this fucking movie. You got that? He helped produce it so it would get a theatrical release. It’s the same thing Quentin Tarantino did with Hostel or Tom Hanks did with My Big Fat Fucking Thing. Tim Burton didn’t direct 9. Fuck me, he didn’t even direct Nightmare Before Christmas! Get your shit straight! I don’t even know why I’m giving that much of a shit, the man hasn’t made a decent movie since Big Fish…where was I? Oh yeah, 9! It’s really pretty. The story is terrible. I mean, I don’t think they made it past the first draft on this one. See it for the visuals. Maybe when you’re drunk or high, cause there’s really no substance in there. Especially the ending. Jeez.

Rewatching this, you know what? This is a pretty good movie! It does the Robin Hood thing right. That’s what makes me laugh about the new Robin Hood coming out from Ridley Scott, obviously starring Russel Crowe; after watching Prince of Theives I really don’t need to see another Robin Hood movie. It’s got pretty much everything in there. Oh, but it’s not gritty and realistic enough. That’s right. Well, reboot it!

My favorite part of the movie by far is when Kevin Costner shoots an arrow in slow motion while everything in England is exploding RIGHT BEHIND HIM. Top that, Mr. Scott.

I wanted to like this movie. I’d heard nothing but good things about, it’s got Ryan Gosling and he’s a good actor, it’s all independent and shit. It’s got an AWESOME premise! This loner guy goes crazy or something and buys a Real Doll and pretends she’s his real girlfriend. By the way, if you’re not at work, look up the Real Doll website. It’s simultaneously the most hilarious and horrifying thing I’ve ever seen. Even moreso because there’s a porno out there starring a Real Doll. Really.

Ok, so this should be great, right? Nothing in this fucking movie makes any sense. It’s 2 straight hours of me wanting to pull my hair out because nobody would ever actually behave the way they do in this movie. Lars is the crazy one with his imaginary girlfriend. But what does his brother and sister in law do? They go along with it! Oh, only after taking him to an actual psychiatrist who also goes along with it. A doctor. Feeds into this obviously poor crazy guy’s delusion. And then they somehow manage to convince this entire town to go along with it? The mall gives the Real Doll a job. Are you hearing me? The mall in this town full of families with children gives an actual job to a motherfucking sex doll. But I went along with it. I mean, Lars seemed happy enough.

Bianca was also content.

I drew the line when, at the end of the movie, and I don’t give a shit if I’m spoiling this for you, Lars calls an ambulance for Bianca because she’s sick and an ambulance actually takes her to the hospital. That would mean that if you lived in that state at the time of Lars having his complete mental collapse, your tax dollars would be paying for a hospital room for a sex doll. What if the hospital was one room shy of being full up right before Bianca became sick? And then the local butcher lopped his index finger off? “Sorry, Glen, we can’t see you just yet. The fuckin’ sex doll is taking up a bed. Can’t you just live the rest of your life without that finger so we can continue to not actually medically treat the sex doll? Do it for Lars, buddy.” And then they have a funeral for the sex doll. Do you know how much funerals cost?! DO YOU?!!

YES!

I’ve been watching a bunch of movies from the mid 90′s recently and I’m really starting to get nostalgic for that crazy kind of retarded filmmaking. You know, when they still pretty much did “Die Hard on a (blank)” movies like every season. Shit’s too realistic now. Sure I love Dark Knight and Casino Royale and I understand how it’s become a fad to make your movie super gritty and dark, but come on! I miss the days of enormous explosions for no reason and crazy over the top bad guys who are SO FUCKING EVIL god you just want them to die! The first thing Dennis Hopper does in this movie is stab an innocent guy in the NECK with a PEN. GHEW!!! It was awesome! And you know right away who the bad guy is. It’s that guy! The crazy guy with the bloody pen! And a bus FLEW!

HAHAHAHATHAT would NEVER happen!

And just go back up there and look at the poster! You know exactly what’s gonna happen in this movie. A fucking bus is going to get the shit blown out of it while Keeanu Reeves gets angry! I actually like Keeanu Reeves in this. He’s no Ted Theodore Logan but at least he’s not Jesus Bullet-Dodging Christ (coughMatrixcough). He’s just a guy who does bomb stuff and BOOM KA POW holy shit I forgot what point I was making KABLAMMO!!! YAY!

Speaking of Jesus…

This movie is amazing. It’s on Instant Netflix, go watch it now. It’s terrifying but in the kind of way that you really want to keep watching. Now, naturally I’m biased. I went to Catholic school for 13 years so I’ve had a lot of the religious stuff thrown at me in my life and what came out of that was a general dislike/mistrust of organized religion. This shit is the most organized religion can probably get. It’s about a camp for children run by Evangelical (or born-again) Christians. I won’t really get into it too much cause this could quickly turn into an anti-religious rant and that’s not what this movie is about. It does a fantastic job of showing you how these people act and what goes on in their community without manipulating the audience too much into thinking they’re crazy.

They do a pretty decent job of that themselves.

What’s ultimately disturbing to me is to see just how much these adults openly admit to brainwashing their children. And the whole thing comes off as hilarious in a creepy way because they’re so into the religion and bible and the teachings of Jesus, apparently, yet they’re so ANGRY about all of it! There’s nothing peaceful or harmonious about anything that they’re doing. It’s angry, I would even say hateful religion, when they’re so absolutely against anything that goes against what they believe. Shit, I totally turned this into an anti-religious rant.

Ok, back on track. This is, if it’s possible, better than Speed. Speed had a bus flying out of an explosion, this has a fucking PLANE flying out of one! There’s so much badass going on in that poster! Con Air also has a hilariously over the top cast going for it. In addition to who you see on the poster it has Colm Meaney (that Irish guy in every Irish movie ever), Ving Rhames (pretty much still playing Marcellus Wallace), Danny Trejo (that Mexican guy in every movie with a Mexican who kills people), Dave Chappelle, and Steve Buscemi as a fucking child-murdering serial killer. Nothing in Con Air is not hilariously awesome.

Nothing.

And my GOD the ending! This plane crashes for like 10 minutes! In Vegas! It’s crazy! And John Malkovich dies like 6 different times. Con Air just proves again that nothing can kill John Malkovich. NOTHING!

This is such a weird movie. I love Gremlins. It’s an awesome fucked up movie that’s all happy one minute and terrifying the next. The gremlins in the first movie were supposed to be menacing and scary. They were pretty silly toward the end but there was still that one crazy gremlin with the handgun, he was scary, right? Then you have the gremlins in the sequel. There’s a surly one and a dopey one and a smart one. There’s one that’s made of lightning and one that’s a bat. There’s a phantom of the opera one and a spider one. There’s even a goddamned sexy one.

Yowza.

The sequel is like a parody of the original, but like a fully-licensed and endorsed parody. It’s bizarre! They have Leonard Maltin criticizing the first movie inside the second movie! When did Gremlins 2 become reflexive? Oh, and then there’s the part where the film “breaks” and you see the audience, apparently watching Gremlins 2 in the theater, get angry and recruit Hulk Hogan to yell at the 4th wall. Nevermind, Gremlins 2 isn’t weird. It should be shown in film theory classes.

Ghost Shit, oh sorry, Ship starts off awesome. Instead of me telling you how awesome the opening is, here, watch it. (Proooobably NSFW, no boobies, just blood)

YES! Highly improbable but cool! Man, the rest of the movie must be as cool as that!

Nope. Don’t watch it. I got all the way to the end and when I say the plot falls apart I mean I’ve seen Jenga games sturdier than this piece of shit. I don’t even know what was happening by the end. All you need to know is people got cut in half. Moving on.

I’m gonna get my nitpicky criticsm out of the way first: For a movie about the end of the world there were not enough scenes of the world ending. Ok. That being said, the scenes of the world ending that are there are FUCKING AWESOME! As my brother Jason put it, 2012 is 2 1/2 hours of vehicles narrowly escaping the earth exploding. Just when you think John Cusack can’t outrun another fireball bigger than texas he does! One time it was in a limo! I was going to link to that scene but then I found this, which is the exact same scene except all the sfx have been taken out. Enjoy.

I almost like this version better. Almost.

Ahh hahahaha man, that reminds me of the montage of Shia LaBeouf saying “no”

He and Megan Fox are such a good team!

Alright, I got all those out of the way I think. It’s time for

I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but this movie is fucking amazing. First of all, it’s actually funny. Not funny in the way like “oh, it’s Weekend at Bernie’s, that’s funny, ha” but it’s actually funny. Like, I was laughing out loud the entire movie. Granted I think I was drunk when I watched it but whatever, I’m drunk most of the time right? (editor’s note: Mom, I’m actually not an alcoholic, it’s just a running joke)

I must have been drunk…

Also, I must have only ever seen this movie on tv because it was WAY raunchier than I remembered. There’s a scene where Bernie’s mistress sneaks into his room and fucks his dead body! DID YOU READ THAT!? This movie has comical necrophilia! The tagline should have been “If you love Andrew McCarthy and corpse fucking then go see Weekend at Bernie’s!”

She did WHAT?!

Seriously, though, it’s actually funny. Funny in the way that stupid movies are funny, like Airplane!, it’s dumb humor without being immature. Are you reading this, people who made Disaster Movie? Comedies can be dumb as long as they’re not fucking stupid, if that makes any sense. Weekend at Bernie’s was hilariously dumb, but it wasn’t retarded. Not like Weekend at Bernie’s 2. I’ll review that next time. Jesus…

KISSES!
-JON:)